*Goes to any family gathering*
Family Friend/Member: ‘So have you found yourself a boyfriend yet?’
Me: *shrugs and laughs it off* ‘Oh no, not yet’
A big insecurity of mine has always been relationships. And this post is quite difficult for me to write and share on the internet for all to see, but I came across this draft from a while ago and thought maybe, just maybe, it’s not just me feeling this way.
I think a lot of kids – teenagers – go through the ‘boyfriend’ phase – you know the one where you don’t actually talk to each other, but you got your friend to ask them if they want to ‘go out’/’go steady’ with you and then you add their name with a heart on your MSN tag line and it’s official!
We all I think – or at least our peers at school – go through it. And it’s around about year 7 which is also the step up to a new school – and I think it somehow got drawn into me that this was a measure of worth, of being desired, of being cool!
As the title suggests, this never happened to me. And it’s not a huge issue – I haven’t been totally consumed by this idea, because I’ve always been quite a smart and logical person, so I know now and I knew back then – that seeing this a measure of worth is total bollocks!
And I can go into my sassy, girl-power mode and say ‘You don’t need a man to make you happy’, ‘having a boyfriend doesn’t impact your self-worth’ and yes I truly believe that and that’s why this isn’t a massive issue and I can live a long and happy life, succeeding as I have and will do in the future.
And yet, it’s been an insecurity of mine ever since then, and I won’t deny that’s it’s knocked my confidence slightly in the past and no doubt will do in the future. And although I only really get down about it when I’m already in a bad mood or upset about something (and tend to fall into that lovely spiral we all love so much!) it keeps coming back to me. The idea that there’s something wrong with me? Why am I 21 and never had a boyfriend? Does it make me weird/odd that I’m in my twenties and I’ve never had sex?
Which spirals into a field of ongoing questions that my over-thinking, scientific brain likes to analyse like;
Am I disgusting? Am I ugly? Is there something wrong with my body?
Or worse; Is it me? Am I just unlovable? Am I the ‘nice’ person who no-one ever really has as their first choice? Am I too boring or uncool?
And luckily I’m in a good place right now that I can write this logically and know that everything’s fine. I’m content with the faith that really, the person that’s right for me is out there and to quote Mr Bublé, I just haven’t met him yet. And at 21, I’ve got my whole life to go out and meet different people, all of them right for that time in my life. It’s easy to get caught up in the superficial things like sex or the relationship label, but at the end of the day I’m the soppy one who just wants love and I can wait a lifetime for that!
I’d like to point out that this doesn’t rule my life – I just realised that it was a recurring thought over the years and wondered whether anyone else had ever felt that sense of doubt?
Also a little reminder, that you’re the main person who deserves your undivided attention and love and you’re totally amazing no matter your relationship status!