We’re now into 2018, I’ve just turned 22 and here I am still living with my parents, currently unemployed, watching Bridget Jones midday on a Tuesday.
OK so that bit actually sounds great – for a day or even a month – but I’m definitely feeling that demotivated slump where everyone around me is successfully fulfilling their life and growing up and I’m having one of those days where I’m not really sure why I’m even on this Earth at all.
I’ve just been rejected – again – from a Grad scheme (that unfortunately was my favourite) and even though it was my very first assessment day and I semi-expected the email, it still kind of stung.
That, combined with the constant bombardment of all my friends (and everyone on social media it seems) are getting jobs/promotions, moving into their first house/place and getting into/progressing in their relationships. Now I know – logically – that things aren’t all that fancy, it’s all exaggerated in my little self-deprecating mind because I’m feeling a little bit low.
I’m obviously so happy for everyone! Really! And luckily most of the time I can chat about it and keep myself busy to avoid thinking about the failure of a person I feel like at the moment. But unfortunately I’ve realised today that I’m getting into that habit of avoiding all social interaction (friends and family) in order to avoid the dreaded job/life/prospect -related questions.
Now I know I shouldn’t feel as bad (and luckily I do have ONE friend that I can share our lack of luck and motivation with), I was late to the job-hunting party due to my backpacking trip – which I 100% have NO REGRETS doing – and I’m at a slight disadvantage that all the jobs I’m applying for aren’t related to my degree subject really.
And to be honest, I don’t think I’m actually sad about not having a job, I think I’m just at a complete loss in myself. When I went travelling I found a side of myself that I’m so happy I found, and has done wonders for both my mental and physical health and happiness (which I and my family are still on a bit of high with if I’m honest). But now I’m back I’m faced with a new dilemma, in that I actually have to start thinking about the future and whereas the future while travelling was ‘where am I going to sleep tomorrow night’ the future now is ‘what do I want to do with my life’ and I. have. NO. IDEA.
I know I don’t want to work in a laboratory. I know I want to work with people. But apart from a handful of the grad schemes I’ve applied (and have been rejected from most) to I don’t actually know what I see myself or even want to actually do. Now that thought I’m sure is common among a lot of people, but it means I don’t know what to actually do now to try and get it and so means I waste my days sleeping in, watching telly and scrolling endlessly through boring job ads and makes me feel very unproductive and like a complete failure.
I guess it’s just a case of thinking about myself and what I want from my life (started getting one or two ideas) and keeping an open mind about different jobs. I also think that just the idea of a ‘grown up’ job actually scares the shit out of me so whenever I get an interview or an email, I go into denial mode and start thinking about all the reasons why I can’t do it!
Any other recent graduates feel this way? How do you find out what you want to do if you don’t have any sort of passion? Does the pressure from everyone else impact your thoughts about yourself?