I’ve got a lot of unpublished blog posts where I’ve tried to get into words my feelings from the past month without sounding incredibly depressed or just genuinely not making sense.
Nothing has really happened in particular, but I’ve been feeling extremely anxious. A lot of nights I’ve found myself crying myself to sleep or having to run to the loos because I suddenly burst out crying (to be fair I think ‘that time of the month’ may also be looming so that could have an impact).
I think moving back to university for my final year has forced me to face a lot of familiar feelings; of being alone, home sickness, a lot of work to juggle (that I’ve now realised Biology really isn’t my thing), pressure of recovery but the critical voice in my head etc etc.
With this new sudden surge of anxiety that I’ve never really felt to this extent before I have experienced sudden huge panics that leave me feeling completely hopeless and to be honest that hasn’t really gone away, I just choose to think about something else but I can still feel it lingering and I feel like I’m not really dealing with it.
One of the things that leads me to panic, is thinking of the future. As a third and final year student, (on the one hand thank god, but the other hand… oh shit) everyone I meet asks me what I want to do afterwards. I do mean everyone!! And every single time (sometimes I beat them to it before they actually finish the question just to get through the horrible awkward silence that comes after) I reply with ‘to be honest, I’ve got no idea’.
And at first I would laugh and then leave it, but now it’s playing in my mind. Especially with lecturers telling me to apply to graduate schemes now, it’s leading me to panic. The sense of running out of time always sends me into a huge panic. (Hell I’m the one that starts getting ready to go out for the evening at around 4 – and it really doesn’t take me long to get ready, I’ll most probably have mentally picked out my outfit the night before and it’s not like I’m skilled with makeup and hair or anything)
I guess what I’m trying to tell myself is that it’s OK not to know right now. And I’m not running out of time. In fact the way I should look at it is that I’ve only got a year (well less than that) until I’ll finally be let loose on the world (Australia I’m coming for you… and then the rest of the planet) and finally be free to really do whatever I want. And although I don’t really know what I enjoy doing and what career path I want to go into, I need to have faith that it will all work out.
Please tell me I’m not the only one that feels like this sometimes?