Lately, I’ve been feeling a lot of anxiety and feeling a bit down, and it was all going completely fine last week and the week before and then yesterday it hit me again. Not that I’ve particularly got much to feel sad about (got a lot of work on but what else is new, and I’m more on top of it than I was a few weeks ago) – which is irritating as hell! – but I’m finding myself either upset and quite anxious or just feeling nothing at all.
A lot of my feelings or mental health triggers I think stem from safety and a lot of that is provoked when I’m at uni because I’m suddenly miles away from my family or friends and expected to get going and do all this work on my own as well as live on my own as well.
And when I got thinking about what it was I’m really afraid of this year, I think it’s a lot about screwing up. Making a mistake.
And these ‘mistakes’ come in a lot of shapes and forms – which is why I think I get so overwhelmed by it all because there’s too many for my brain to cope with.
For example, a presentation (common one I know, but I get very nervous and anxious before it) or meeting with my supervisor (where I need to present to her all the things I’ve been researching when really I’m still very confused on it all). Coursework. Meeting new people. Blogging – I often lack a lot of confidence and am terrified that something in any of my blog posts could come across in the wrong way. Similarly, I’m always scared that I might do/say something that violates some sort of rule or regulation – I’m really not great on common sense sometimes so this scares me in all aspects of life. Living alone – the running of a house, paying bills, all these things terrify me, what if I do it wrong or don’t think about things that I should and something goes wrong?
These are just some of the worries and thoughts that are circling my brain right now and make it difficult to concentrate on actually getting things done so that I can worry less about some of them.
So what is a mistake really?
My mum always used to say ‘what’s the worst that can happen?’ and sometimes thinking of these can really help. For instance, if I’m worrying about a presentation or coursework, I think the worst thing that could happen would be that I don’t know the answer to a question or I mess up my words or I fail. But really these things are bad but not ‘end-of-the-world’ bad. But on the other hand thinking like this sometimes sends me into further panic – for example the thought of getting into trouble with the police or something law related, makes me hyperventilate and panic severely, even though I know I’ve done nothing wrong!
For the most part this works pretty well though, it comforts me to know that even if I met someone new and made a complete fool of myself – we’ll both get up the next day and probably use it as a hilarious story to tell in the future.
I guess the point I’m trying to make is that there are no ‘mistake’s really. Everything we do, we do for a reason and they all happen to enable us to grow into the people we’re meant to be. Some things go a bit shit, e.g. failing an exam or getting fired, but we’ll get over them and they don’t make us bad people. These ‘mistake’s aren’t really mistakes at all they’re just things that happen in life.
So as long as we’re putting in work and being good people, everything will be fine!