Edit: I had other plans for today’s post, but I came across this from last week and thought I’d share it.
So I’m sat here, home from my very last exam for my degree (it went shit, but I’m not bothered, it’s finally over!!) and though I’m a little tipsy and pretty tired (after waking up at 6.30 and 5 glasses of Courtyard Pimm’s) I’m not ecstatic.
I’m lying in bed, eating cookies and banana bread my housemate baked, and anticipating tonight, and tomorrow. I’m thinking again about the fact that I
should could have gone for a run yesterday, when it was nice weather and I had the chance. When I didn’t have other plans/wasn’t hungover.
I’m thinking about the Pimm’s I drunk today. The bacon and brie panini I had for lunch. The cookies and cake I’m currently eating. The Prosecco and alcohol I will drink tonight. The takeaway I’ll probably have. The endless amount of carbs and sugar I will eat tomorrow, while lying in bed watching Netflix all day.
And what’s on my mind isn’t enjoyment or celebration. But bad calories. Fat. I’m feeling a bit lousy and squishy and unattractive and it’s making me think that I won’t enjoy myself tonight. And that’s annoying, as it’s the one and only time I’m ever going to finish a degree (believe me there’s no chance I’m doing another one!)
But the good thing, the thing that’s different from how I used to be, is that these thoughts aren’t controlling me. (In fact I’m continuing to eat more cookies)
These thoughts, though they’re there, I can recognise as my ED, not me. It’s not controlling me. I can rationalise, and not panic, like perhaps I used to.
I understand that these habits aren’t ‘healthy’ if I do it all the time, but seriously a couple of days of celebration won’t impact my body that much.
And what if it does? Putting on a few pounds doesn’t make me a bad person. It doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy my night out and celebrations. And it doesn’t make me any less beautiful!!
So if you ever get these feelings, ED or not, just know that you’re f****** gorgeous anyway! You are you, tall/short, big/small, big boobs/small boobs, blue eyes/brown eyes, you are beautiful.
So whether you’re celebrating end of exams like I am, or celebrating anything, or even just celebrating another day done, do something tonight without worrying. Eat the cake and binge Netflix, Have another drink, another slice of pizza, whatever you want. Just enjoy it.